"Chicken in the theatre"
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
"Hot day in Church"
A church was filled to the max on a sunday afternoon,It was hot and muggy ,but the preacher continued on with his sermon,towards the end of the preachers last words,a cloud of smoke from out of nowhere fills the altar area,when it finally clears there stands the Devil himself.Everyone was running for the exits including the preacher,people all stampeded for doorway.except one old man in the back row.the Devil approached him,got eye to eye and said "Do I scare you?"...the old man replied "nope",the Devil growled even closer to the old man's face,"Do I scare you now?,nope the old man replied again,the Devil was confused,"How come everyone else trampled out of here but you?"
the old man said thats simple the reason I'm not scared of you is because "I've been married to your sister for 40 years."
A guy sits down in a Cafe,He asks for the hot chili.The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.He says, "Are you going to eat that?"The other guy says, "Nope,Help yourself."He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something.He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got too."
A man drinks a shot of whisky every night before bed,After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whisky.She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.She says "I want you to see this",She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whisky and the worm dies.Sternly the wife remarks, 'So what do you have to say about this experiment?Cooly the husband replies, "If I drink whisky, I won't get worms!".
" Just Lookin"
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over to him and says "Mister is there a problem , Is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks , I'm just looking around."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey,drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.The man answered, "Oh... I've decided to stop drinking."
The head office boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her,But within a few weeks, he was feeling displeased at the way she was working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he took her aside, and had a little talk with her.
"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" The secretary said, "My lawyer"!
"Swearing In Church"
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said,"Preacher, I'll tell you WHAT, that was a Damned
fine sermon. Damned good!"The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that
kind of language in the Lord's House.
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a Huge gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up,sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for "Gorilla Extractors". She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, an eight foot pole,a shotgun, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the Heck is all that stuff for?" The Gorilla Extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla's butt. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the testicles. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you grab the shotgun and shoot that mean ass dog!"
"Old man on porch"
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of beer, eat greasy foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said.How old are you? "Twenty-five he replied."
Three prisonors are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for a fresh Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then the rest taken away. The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and the rest also taken away. The Jewish man requests a plateful of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?",Yes!Strawberries the Jewish man replied. "But they are out of season,the Captors said!" "the Jewish man then replies "then I'll wait."
Mike and Steph were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Mike said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Steph says, "Me too."
Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...It's Steph. Steph says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Mike says, "I feel great. How about you?"
"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
"No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..." says Steph.
"Have you farted yet?"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"